“Lust's passion will be served; it demands, it militates, it tyrannizes.”
- Marquis de Sade
Originally, I was planning on including this with my last essay (found here) regarding Tolkien and Martin. But, as things often do, it turned into a much bigger portion than I wanted to include. So, I thought, instead of trying to condense such a sensitive subject, why not make it the star of my next essay. Which brings us here.
It's a subject not many want to discuss at all. Still taboo in many places (though, ironically, it's all over our entertainment these days). When it comes to the person to person conversation, however, we're very much the prudes we always have been (at least since the times of Queen Victoria). As a writer, towing this line comes up again and again. So, I figured now is as good a time as any to actually have that discussion.
As a little girl, growing up in a golden age of Disney fairytales, stories like Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, and The Little Mermaid, taught me that love was always possible, and that above all, love came first. It wasn't until several years (and a marriage) later, I discovered something alarming. All these fairytales, as colorful and romantic as they were, lied. It wasn't love they were referring to at all. It was lust.
Despite what you might think, love is not lust, nor vice versa. Lust is all physical. That golden hair you adore on her? Lust. His eyes a perfect shade of jade green? Lust. Everything you think about the way they laugh, their smell, even the way they walk. All lust. Does it induce euphoria that can mimic what we believe is love? Absolutely. And that is why it's so powerful. We’ve been tricked, hoodwinked into thinking that is what love is. Made more dangerous with the con of “love at first sight.” The idea that love can happen instantaneously. If you ask me, it doesn't exist. Again, all lust.
Now, none of this is to devalue the worth of lust. It's a powerful and important emotion. And I regret that it's been vilified as much as it has. Of course, like anything, all it takes is one to ruin it for the rest of us. Like anger, lust is a natural part of being human. A basic instinct. One that shouldn’t be underestimated. After all, if lust weren’t a thing, I imagine the human race would be quite a bit smaller in number. That's not to say we should give in to its every whim. And how many times can we count where, doing so, resulted in hurting others? Make no mistake, part of its power is its lure. Like any drug, it can be addicting. And for the very same reason as its intention: survival of our species. And, also like anger, its power needs to be respected. After all, with great power– well, you know the rest. Use it for the right reasons, and it emerges an important facet in a relationship, while the unbridled wielding can only cause chaos and destruction.
“Lust is temporary, romance can be nice, but love is the most important thing of all. Because without love, lust and romance will always be short-lived.”
- Danielle Steele
I think Danielle Steel makes a valid point here. Lust comes and goes. It's fleeting. And this is where love and lust differ. It took me many years to see what love really is. It's not something that happens overnight. Real love takes time. As the bible would say, “love is patient.”
Since I already have an essay about my thoughts on love (you can read it here), I'll leave you with a quote that I believe sums it up quite beautifully and realistically:
“Love is not a thing one is able or not able to do based on some magic. Some chemistry. That is for plays. Love is determination. Love is a choice one makes.”
- Golda Rosheuvel (As Queen Charlotte from “Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story”)
And this brings me to the last point I want to discuss. In my previous essay (found here), I spoke briefly about using such material in literature. But, something I didn't bring up, was the complex thoughts that I have regarding the subject. I mentioned that lust in many forms makes an appearance in my works, not only as a way to fortify an emotional attachment, but also as a means of establishing absolute hatred for my villain. And yes, that means taking it to some pretty dark and uncomfortable places. Believe me, no less uncomfortable writing it as well. Certain scenes even had me in full depression mode for several days (horrific nightmares including).
In the moment, I didn't really stop to ponder whether I should be writing it. I just kept writing. It wasn't until later, when one of my beta readers asked me about why this kind of content would be included if I don't agree with it, that I began reflecting on it. And it's a question I still ask myself every now and then as these situations come up. As I explored the answers further, a deeper question arose. As writers, should our works reflect our own values?
This one made me pause even longer than the first. To be honest, I’m not sure if I’ve even answered it fully. But, I have reached a middle ground. A compromise, if you will. My characters are different people. They aren’t me. Sure, I write them into existence. But, at some point, they take on a life of their own. Saying things, doing things I wouldn’t do. William Faulkner says something similar:
“It begins with a character, usually, and once he stands up on his feet and begins to move, all I can do is trot along behind him with a paper and pencil trying to keep up long enough to put down what he says and does.”
Once my characters come alive on the page, they start living, almost independently, as though I’m merely recording their actions and dialogue. And, doing so, has brought me down roads I never expected, testing my own values in a way I didn't think was possible. It’s a new journey for me as well, every time. It's part of what I love most about writing. This isn't me making excuses or shifting blame, so to speak. It's just how I feel. And I don't feel right about cutting something out just for the purpose of soothing others. If I did, it wouldn't be me. I love those shocking and even horrific moments, not while I'm writing them, but afterwards. Because, at the end of it all, it makes the hero's triumph that much more joyful. The greater the trial, the greater the victory.
So, is lust the ever malevolent villain, the snake sent to tempt Eve in her moment of weakness? Only if you let it. It takes will power to control it, but it is possible. And don't be afraid to confront that. Confronting it is when you find out just how strong you really are. Hint: You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.
And, as a writer, whether you write like me, or perhaps you plot ahead of time, it matters not. What should matter, at the end, is that it's yours. It’s your characters, your story (or theirs). Don't worry so much about whether it's too much, or whether others will like it. Your name is going on it (or, maybe a pen name like me), so it should be your opinion that matters most in that context. There are always going to be those that like it, and those that don't. You can't please everyone. So do what feels right to you. I'm not saying don’t be open to advice or critique (in my opinion, you should always be open to both), but it's ultimately your decision what you do with it.
Challenge: What are your impressions on the lust vs. love debate? I'd love to hear your thoughts below!
Song: “I Put A Spell On You” - Annie Lennox
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When I first met my husband, we were in high school, and the lust was STRONG (teenage hormones, am I right?). We were together for five years before all the ways we had compromised with lust ended up destroying our relationship. However, we were able to remain best friends in spite of the disastrous breakup. I always said I would never date him again because he didn't make my heart race, he wasn't my type, blah blah blah. I kept praying for my soulmate to appear and really knock me off my feet. But after God showed me that love was a choice, I realized that my ex and I had been choosing each other every day for the last eleven years. And when I decided to stop looking for lust, I saw that the one person life would be too boring to live without was the one I said I'd never date again. We were married within a year.
All that to say, I agree with your perspective here. Lust can be an important part of love, but at the end of the day, choose the person who sticks with you through thick and thin, who builds you up, who prays for and encourages you, who brings you closer to God. Even if he doesn't look like Fabio.
Hm, thank you for writing this! I’ve been pondering about an essay with a similar topic. I guess it will be partly my answer to your essay!☺️ No, no, nothing negative or ‘angry’ from my part, but maybe a slightly different approach…🩶